Conversations
by joyjemy
Summary: After a choice few statements from the impenetrable Heero Yuy, Duo unleashes a torrent of words, thoughts and emotions in a fit of rage that should really get him killed. But he's in for an interesting suprise... [2x1]


**Conversations**

By: Joyjemy

Pairing: 1+2+1

Rating: R for Duo's mouth.

Disclaimer: Do I seriously need to point out I don't own this? If I did I wouldn't be just writing fan fiction. Duh.

Warnings: Duo POV. General weirdness (is it humor? Is it serious? Damned if I know.) Lotsa language.(Oh, the language! How shocking!) OOC-ish Heero, I suppose, too…

Anyway, enjoy!

PS: Try and count how many times the 'f-word' appears!

* * *

I have to say; I may be a slob, but I still love cleaning shit up. I kinda see it as a game I'd been neglected of in my childhood, you know? I would have been lucky to _get_food when I was a kid, let alone get it on a plate. I never used a fork or knife until Dr. G took me in – I mean, hands work just as well for eating, don't they? 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is that I look forward to vacuuming the safe house (assuming we stay there long enough, of course). I look forward to doing the dishes afterwards. I like helping Qat cook. (Who, I think, does all this stuff for similar reasons to me. He never got to cook or clean when he was young, too – of course, this was because he had hordes of servants to take care of him. Slightly different situation to my own. Anyway…)

My room may be a pig-sty, and I may eat like a rabid animal, _and _I may have a mouth on me that is more politically incorrect than Wuffie's chauvinism, but get one thing straight: I help out.

So I guess you can say I got a tad… _fucking pissed off_ when at the dinner table, mid-meal (which, co-incidentally, I _cooked_), Heero 'icicle-up-my-ass' Yuy suddenly looks up at me and says straight out,

"You are too reckless. You constantly endanger the mission. You do not contribute as much as the rest of us."

I had been having a laugh with Qat mere milliseconds before hand, and I think for a lesser person, the sudden shift from mirth to rage would have physically hurt.

Now, these guys know me pretty much as… well, a _lunatic_. I have one set volume – loud. So when I went deathly quiet (Ha!) I think they all got a bit shocked.

I heard a clang and realized I had dropped my fork. I somehow registered that the thing was now twisted due to my hand crushing the shit out of it. Hmm.

I suddenly noticed that I had been staring flaming holes into my dinner, and decided to turn those fuckers on Yuy – the ultimate asshole. I think he may have twitched a bit. _He_ may stare ice daggers but _I_ stare _flaming death_. If I reflected on this in a calmer situation, I would have chuckled. Maybe I thawed the bastard a bit?

Anyway, I finally found my voice in the midst of my burning anger, and slowly bit out, "…What?" in a voice so unlike my own I saw Qat look a bit scared. The voice, so dark, deep and threatening had a lesser effect on Wuffie and Tro, but I don't really care. I think I heard Qat whisper, "Who…?" in a soft, cracked voice and had the sudden urge to turn and unleash my anger on him.

When I say I'm Shinigami, I'm only half kidding, folks. And if these fuckers chose to believe that the whole 'I am Death' thing was some lame joke for a guy who didn't have much else to flaunt about himself, then I was more than happy to prove them how wrong they were. Now don't take that the wrong way – I'd never kill these guys. Not only would it be kinda hard, but I do like them. No, just because I'm Shinigami doesn't mean I like to hash death out for the sake of it, but still, never underestimate the wrath of the God of Death. Never.

So when Heero Ass-face decided to insult me for _no fucking reason_ about something that has a particular significance to me, it really, _really_ ticked me off.

And it _really_ doesn't help that I'm fucking in love with the asshole. What a prick.

Anyhow, Yuy apparently still wasn't getting the whole 'Death will rip your face off while laughing' vibe I was sending and plowed on in his own patented 'stubborn ass' fashion and tried to stare me down.

"You are too loud. You are indiscreet. You endanger the mission by not following appropriate codes of conduct. And you do not take as much responsibility as the rest of us."

Did I mention before how much it pissed me off that Mr. I-fly-solo-because-I'm-just-better-than-you-so-nyah was suddenly referring to the team as an 'us'. Or more specifically 'the whole team minus you, Duo, because you're obviously not good enough to be here.' Us, us, us. We, we, we. The fucker had never said anything so inclusive about _me_. Anyway, pissed-off-edness.

"You have no plan when you enter battle. Your improvisations will have disastrous repercussions if—"

Now let's just pause for a bit. Okay, a few points:

1. I was pissed off because Heero was paying me out. Duh.

2. I was pissed because he seemed to be rattling off a mental list of my defects that he had apparently been compiling for a while now.

3. I was pissed that he was doing it over dinner. Not only was I enjoying the meal, but the fucker apparently didn't notice that the shit on the plate in front of him was cooked by _me _(doesn't contribute my ass. Ha!) and had decided to forego eating it and just skip to the whole 'let's insult Duo' thing.

4. I was pissed because he was doing it in front of the guys. What an asshole.

5. I was pissed that I-notice-everything Yuy had decided to ignore all the good things I do. Talk about selective memories.

6. I was pissed because the longest string of words I have heard coming out of Heero Yuy's mouth were being used to insult _me_.

7. And finally, I was fucking pissed off that the guy I fucking love with everything my shriveled little heart can give not only seemed to fucking hate me with some weird-ass icy passion, but he was displaying it with an odd amount of vigor in front of the only other living people I could consider to be my friends. _Asshole_.

But anyway, let's just skip back to the convo we had just left off. Heero had just begun paying out my piloting skills (just because, obviously, he wasn't being enough of a prick already) and that was the point at which I snapped. Even _I_ kinda wished I had earplugs at this point.

"FUCK _YOU,_ YUY! Who the _fuck_ do you think you are! You walk on in here and start ripping the shit out of me for _no fucking reason_—"

"I have merely said—"

I cut the fucker off. No one messes with Death. Not even the Perfect Soldier.

"NO! You don't open your _fucking_ mouth until I tell you!"

I think I might pay for that comment later. Oh well. I mostly like to follow the path of least resistance and the path of rage was looking _so_ good right now. "Now listen Perfect _Asshole_—"

Ouch. "I am a damn fucking fine pilot and don't you _dare_ give me any shit that says otherwise! You know what! Who gives a fuck if you're so damn good at everything you do! Fuck you! That's what you were _trained_ for, you prick! It's your whole fucking life! I could kick your ass _any_ day and all my bloody skills are self-taught!"

I really hope he doesn't take me up on that challenge. I think Heero Yuy may be the only person who_ can_ kill me. Anywho… "Who do you think you are! Seriously, you think you're the only one here with a fucking Gundam! You think you're the only one _in_ this war! Fuck you! And don't you _ever_ call me reckless – maybe I jump into dangerous situations, but did you ever think that maybe that's because I have more _balls_than you do!"

Yeah okay, I think I'm gonna die for that one. Gonna get my ass omae-o-korosu-ed all the way home. "I fight like I do because I _know_ I can handle it! And what the _fuck_ do you mean 'code of conduct'! Did you write a fucking instruction manual for yourself because God forbid if you ever have to make a decision without the 'mission' or J thinking for you!"

If I had looked around I would have seen Quatre about to faint, Trowa with more expression on his face than I will ever likely see again, and Wufei looking so shocked that he could have passed for dead. Or asleep with his eyes open. Or whatever. Anyway, I still wasn't done yet. Another thing about me – I never do anything half-assed. And going off at the Perfect Soldier was no exception. "And I don't give a shit if I'm too loud! Indiscreet! Get fucked! No one gives a shit about a loud-mouthed teenager, you idiot – they expect to see that! It's when they see some crazed asshole cuddling a laptop and threatening to kill people that they get suspicious! _That_ is _indiscreet_!"

Hmm. I'd also insulted _the_ laptop. If saying Heero Yuy had no balls didn't get me dead than the laptop crack certainly sealed the deal. I think it was around this point when I finally began to realize I was paying for my one-way ticket to Hell. But like I said – don't do anything half-way. So I kept going. Go me. "And as for me 'not contributing' – open your eyes, you fuck! You and everyone at this table are _eating_ one of my contributions! And, if you can _possibly_ remember, you might recall that I have _always_ cleaned up after the meal. _Always_ written my reports. _Always_ followed your orders. And _always_ fixed your fucking Gundam for you! No responsibility _my ass_!"

So, yeah, dead Duo will soon be served, ladies and gentlemen. Cooked to your liking and served with a side of still smoking bullets. Because Heero Yuy doesn't do anything halfway either – when he kills you, he kills you _dead_.

…Relena doesn't count.

But anyway…"How fucking dare you say this shit to me! If you've been having a problem with me and my methods, get out your fucking rule book and look up 'tact' you asshole."

I want noted that I realize the irony of that statement. Spouting profanities isn't exactly tactful either. Yes I was pissed but I guess it really didn't warrant my… ahem… 'explosion.'

But… I knew I would always go out with a bang. On my part or someone else's.

"You have never said any shit like this to anyone else here! I do just as much as the rest of the team, so why do I get chewed out! Do you really _hate_ me that fucking _much_? I always get the mission done whether you like my methods or not, so take your criticism and shove it up your _ass_! Argh! Why, Heero! Why is it you always have to fucking hate _me_! WHY! I've never given you a reason to hate me! I don't hate _you_! I fucking _love_ you and you've never given me a good reason to! Fuck _YOU_!"

And on that final note I ran out of there as fast as my pathetic little orphan, street-rat legs could carry me.

Well, I certainly hadn't intended to let that little 'I love you' tidbit become general knowledge, but I wasn't going to bother myself regretting it. I mean, Heero's probably on my tail right now, gun in hand, the safety most definitely _off_.

So I decided to spend my last few moments alive out in the open air. The safe house we were in, as shitty as it was, had a nice, big wooden veranda out the back, so I soon found myself out there. I don't know if I collapsed or if I lay down but in the next moment I was looking up at the stars, the fairly remote location of our safe house allowing for the stars to twinkle without being hindered by the smog of the city.

I guess some of you may be wondering my I didn't just haul ass and get the fuck out of there. Well, I guess it's because a big-ass serve of Heero abuse equals a very dead Duo. It doesn't matter where I am or how long it takes, but if Heero wants to kills someone he doesn't give up. If I committed _suicide_, Heero would probably do it too just so he could come and kill me again. The guy may be an iceberg but he's the most stubborn, dedicated, purposeful (…and sexy…) one out there.

I hear a footstep in the hall, approaching me, and figure the footstep is accompanied by Heero, who is probably also accompanied by a handgun. Or two. Or however many he fits into those ridiculously tight shorts. Hmm. I've often wondered why he wears those shorts; are they catered just for my libido or is it just Heero and his lack of fashion sense? The yellow shoes kinda make me think it's the latter. Oh well, I've got an eternity in Hell to think it through.

I hear the backdoor open. I didn't think I be so relaxed before I was about to die. I guess I figured I'd die screaming in the middle of battle. It's funny too – people say your whole life flashes before you when you're about to die. I've got nothing. Guess that's just how I've been living all these years – haunted by memories and the overwhelming feeling that I might die. I suppose it's probably stupid of me to not ever really consider my own death in a serious light. I knew from the very beginning I wasn't going to see the end of this war. Knew I was going to die in battle or whatever, but I guess I always had in the back of my mind, 'not today.'

I don't know if I didn't die in all those battles because I had some greater purpose for myself in mind. I honestly do believe Death and I have a deal – but I guess I just pictured my death being something loud and horrific and painful. You know, like the Maxwell Church massacre. I pictured myself dying just the same as how Duo Maxwell had been spawned onto the universe -- surrounded by blood and flames and death and a whole lot of fucking noise. Not in this ironic weirdness where I get killed by the person I love. Oh well, my fault I guess. I can regret it in Hell.

And yes, I'm going to Hell. Kinda look forward to it. I don't know if my Buddy has got a seat for me next to him or if I just get to melt in a big old vat of lava for eternity but… I don't know. It's not like I really want to die, it's just that life has always been pretty shit for me. I've never really seen first hand all the good things it has to offer. It's just been one pain after another.

When I realized I had fallen in love with Heero, I thought the fuzzy feeling in my heart and the weird skip in my stomach was some sort of disease OZ had injected me with. No lie, I thought I was sick. When I figured out what the feeling was I just felt kinda down because I knew without a doubt the feelings would never be returned. I mean, for one, I've never really experienced any true happiness in my life and the cynic in me wouldn't let me believe that it was ever gonna happen. And secondly, there's also Heero's little emotional problem in that _he doesn't have any_.

So I guess I just satisfied myself with my own little imaginings where the war ended and Heero felt the same and woo hoo happily ever after. But when you're in the middle of a war that's so big it spreads into the vast reaches of space, you really grasp just how stupid happy endings are.

My, my. Either this moment has _really_ stretched long enough my little internal reflection or Heero is taking a bloody long time to pull the trigger. I tear my eyes away from the stars I'd been looking at and twist my neck awkwardly to see where Heero is standing. I don't see a gun in his hands but if a guy can pull one out of spandex he can pull one out of thin air if we wants to.

He's just looking at me. He doesn't seem like a crazed lunatic… But this guy kinda wears the same face eating breakfast as he does when he snaps a guys neck with his bare hands. Why do I love the guy? Because I'm a messed up fuck. Go away.

After a few moments of staring I get up from the veranda and stand and face him. A smirk slides onto my face and I raise an eyebrow.

"Weapon of choice man: hands, guns or Gundams? Or do you just wanna shoot me now and screw the whole 'duel' thing?" I said to him through a laugh. He just kept on lookin' at me. I looked around uncertainly for a moment then looked back at him. He just kept staring.

Ok, whatever you weirdo. I'll just sit down then if you're going to be a boring old statue. A boring, sexy statue that is. No, a boring, sexy statue that was _eventually_ going to kill me. Yep, _that_ description's good enough for a dictionary.

So I just sat on down a kept on staring at the stars. I noted all the constellations I could see and smiled softly – I loved watching the stars. I occasionally would just hop in Deathsythe and go someplace quiet and far away and just stare up at them all night. I don't what it is I love about them, but I can just stare for hours on end. There's something about their lonely beauty that just hypnotizes me, something that reminds me of isolation and hope all at the same time. I look up at the stars and see a glorious light that shines, refusing to be enveloped by the darkness.

I register a thump next to me and turn to see Heero sitting there, staring straight up at the stars alongside me. I look at him expectantly, waiting for him to talk (since, apparently he wasn't in the shooting mood just yet). I wait again and am met by nothing but silence. Man this guy is _weird_.

I let go an exasperated sigh and fall back against the planks of woods beneath me, curling my arms behind by head and staring back up at the sky.

"Heero, what are you doing, man?" I ask him, honestly confused. He doesn't answer and continues just staring at the heavens. If I'm meant to be getting some message from this I can sure as hell saying I'm not getting anything on the radar. I'm just getting more and more confused.

"Listen, Heero. Are you gonna kill me? 'Cause if you're not, why are you out here?" I just decide to be straight with him. I mean, seriously, if I knew he was going to take his sweet-ass time I would have brought the rest of my dinner with me, or a manga or something.

"I'm not going to kill you," He said after a pause, his eyes still fixed on the sky. The wind picks up about us a bit, a gust of wind momentarily sweeping away the balmy warmth of the night. I'm still watching Heero and see his hair ruffle in the wind, and I'm not sure if he sighed or if it was the soft wind trickling past us.

"Then why—?" He cuts me off.

"You are a good pilot," he states, still staring at the bloody stars. It's so unlike Heero to be hesitant about something – he usually just rocks on in, blows shit up and gets the fuck out. He doesn't like to waste time but right now he was frickin' mastering the art of procrastination.

I just kinda gape at him from where I lie on the ground. "Wha--?"

He cuts me off again.

"You may be reckless—"

Anger begins to bubble up in me again at that comment but he doesn't seem to be paying attention to me, instead he's just staring up at the stars unwaveringly and confessing to me in his good old Heero robotic monotone.

"—but you're, right. You've never taken an unnecessary risk and always complete the mission."

"Heero, what the fuck--?"

"You do always follow orders, you do contribute," he said to the stars. I really don't think he realizes he's talking to me. I'm getting the vibe that he's… I dunno… _practicing _or something. Is it possible to mentally snap because you've had an anger overload? Heero Yuy must be living proof. This wacko complimentary Heero is obviously a mental case or a robot. Well… a _different_ robot.

I don't say anything and just stare at him and let time pass for a while. He sighs heavily – something I have never seen him do before. I'm further freaked by the situation.

"I don't hate you," he says as he turns to look at me. Huh. Guess he does realize I'm here.

I look at him. I don't really know what he's getting at but I'm not about to stop him from talking – I mean, this is the biggest conversation I've had with him and it's actually a _nice_ one. Like Hell I was about to screw it up, especially now that he didn't seem to want to rip out my throat.

He opens his mouth to speak again and then closes it, looking a bit weird. On anyone else I would have said the expression was almost confused and pained, but since it was on Heero, I didn't know what to think. He is silent again for a moment before he growls and punches the wood beside him angrily, leaving a jagged hole. He turns away from me.

I continue to wait. I don't know what he's trying to achieve here but I wasn't about to lead him through it by the hand. One because I didn't know where to lead him and two because he obviously came out here to do something and I wasn't about to do it for him. There was another long pause. Sheesh, it's probably going to be bloody morning soon.

He clears his throat and takes a deep breath. His back is to me and I sit up, waiting expectantly for what he is about to do or say, seeing as he seems to be going through a lot of weird-ass turmoil over it.

"I…" he hesitates and begins to turn around to me but jerks back. "When I see you, I…"

He pauses again. I'm kinda weirded out by seeing the Perfect Soldier so unsure of himself. But then again, his confidence is on the battle ground, not in his emotions and feelings. I bet the guy doesn't even fucking understand what an emotion _is_.

Doesn't stop me from being in love with him, though. Nope. No way.

I continue to wait for him to say something. I don't know what he's trying to reveal to me here but like fuck I was going to miss Heero Yuy expressing himself like a normal human being.

He takes another deep breath and continues talking, the unsteadiness in his voice less noticeable… but still there.

"I don't know what happens to me when I think about you. I don't… understand…" his fist clenches as he struggles to get the words out. His back tenses and he shifts a bit, almost turning around a little, but still with his back facing me. "I… you make me… want to say something when I see you. I want to… talk with you…I want… closer…" he struggles to a stop again and curses in Japanese.

Something inside me seems constricted and I think my heart quickens a bit. My brain overloads and I find it hard trying to choose form all the messages it's telling me to say. So I just fall back on old faithful – inexplicable anger.

"Fuck, Heero! What are trying to tell me! If you wanted to talk with me, did you ever consider maybe just saying 'hello Duo' or some shit instead of being a fucking asshole!" I yell at him. He turns around quickly, anger in his eyes as he glares at me.

Now this was more expected ground. His eyes burn with rage unlike I've ever seen them before. It's the same look I imagine he wears mid-battle when he's in Wing.

"I don't know what to say! So I say something to fill the space!" he roars back angrily, his usually calm demeanor gone. "I don't know what I want to say," he says in a quieter voice.

I feel kinda bad for being pissed off at Heero for being an emotional cripple, but he's got me so off balance I don't know what to feel myself. I mean the guy was basically saying he was being a verbally abusive asshole because he couldn't think of a more appropriate way to communicate. I just look back at him, not exactly sure what those raging eyes are telling me.

…I guess Heero's not the only emotional screw-up around here.

"Heero…" I begin warily, trying to read those eyes and still not believing what my hearts wants to believe. "…I don't understand what you're trying to tell me."

Those burning cobalt eyes look away briefly before locking back onto my own. There's uncertainty in those guarded blue depths… but I see slivers of resoluteness streaking through them.

"I think I want… to be… closer… to you," he says slowly, his voice uncharacteristically soft.

My brain switches off and my heart is hammering like something fucking insane and my stomach mutates into a giant black hole. My mouth opens and I stutter a bit before I can talk.

Knowing Heero, whose vernacular comprises mostly of words that are synonymous with 'mission,' 'kill,' and 'enemy,' I just can't let myself take his words as is. I almost don't want to ask for clarification, fearing the misery that will result from a rejection.

"What are you asking for, Heero?" I whisper, my eyes frantically searching his for a clue.

"I don't know," he answers me.

With that the ball is effectively in my court and panic runs riot through me. My instincts war within my fucked-up little self, and I'm unsure whether to run the fuck away or work this shit out. My motto runs through my head, 'I run, I hide, but I never tell a lie,' and something inside seems to make a decision. With my brain not in gear and me just generally being a dumb-fuck at the moment, something just makes me let go.

I don't do anything half-assed, remember? I'm as emotionally fucked up as Heero, but the minute he walked out here I was expecting death and didn't receive it, so I guess a part of me just decided to tempt it again, because I'm a bizarre asshole that way.

I lean towards him, just now realizing how close we were. Even just sitting next to him he's taller than me, so I lift me chin and move my hand up to tentatively rest on his cheek.

In a moment of hesitation I feel a pang of pain and regret lance through me. What if this wasn't what he meant? What if he just wanted me to be a friend, or his partner in battle, or…!

My hesitation washes away as he closes the gap between us and buries his fingers in the hair at the nape of my neck, pulling my head closer to him as our lips collide roughly.

His kiss has a raw emotion in it that makes but heart beat faster than it ever has from any other kiss I'd recieved before. The hand that isn't buried in my hair finds my other one and our fingers interlock fiercely, as if he never wants to let go.

And with that, I let my guards down and I open my heart to him. My fear of pain and getting hurt is ignored. This, if even for a moment, was worth it. Worth the anguish that may follow. Worth the pain. I don't care anymore. For a moment of Heero I'd sacrifice everything.

I lay down and pull him down with me, our kisses become more desperate and passionate. We eventually break away and he looks at me. His eyes are still confused and unreadable, but the way he holds my hand lets me know what he's trying to tell me. The way his fingers dig almost painfully into the skin of my hand that is intertwined with his, coupled with the hand that is now softly stroking my hair speaks volumes of unspoken words. He collapses on top of me, his comfortable weight and warmth surrounding me. He holds me tight, and I think I can feel him shaking - his emotional exhaustion being reflected physically.

Looking at him, holding him, touching him.

We're not speaking but it's the best conversation we've ever had.

I let a breath go and feel a burning behind my eyes that could be the first tears I've had since the Massacre.

But I feel Heero's hand in mine and I hear his breath in my ear. I don't care what happens because I'm fucking _invincible_ now. Death can wait another day, because our deal isn't done yet, whatever it may be. And because the Shinigami that is laying in his love's arms isn't done yet.

My free hand finds it's way into Heero's stupid, sexy hair and brings him in for another burning kiss.

"I forgive for those shit-bag comments of yours, Yuy," I say to him. Fuck – if getting paid out leads to this I'll take it _any_ day.

That comment makes him look as embarrassed as is possible for Heero Yuy. Which isn't very much, but still.

"I don't approve of your comments," he said monotonously. Normally I would be pissed off at that but the fact that we were laying in each other's arms made me realize he'd just made a robot-joke. I laughed for him and was graced with his little mini smirk-smile thing.

I always thought Heero couldn't express himself. I mean, the whole suicidal android thing _was_ a pretty big indicator. But I guess this whole emotional roller-coaster ride of nuttiness and swearing makes me realize that though he can't articulate himself verbally, he can convey a lot _physically_.

"Fuck you," I say to him and he makes an amused grunt before he kisses me again. He then proceeds to physically express his intentions with the growing hardness I feel against my leg.

I could get used to _this_ kind of conversation any day.

* * *

**Notes:** Feel free to **review** and tell me what you think but hey, if you can't be bothered, I don't blame you. :P 

PS: My computer registered the (gasp!) _f-word_ 49 times. Hahaha…


End file.
